Beyond stressed this morning over the humungous tosspot Will Self proclaiming that George Orwell is ‘literary mediocrity’. Can’t even begin to respond (and I won’t include the link because I don’t wish to draw attention to such utter drivel). I have consoled myself this morning by turning to the inside staples of my copy of What’s On TV magazine.

You know the sort of thing. A catalogue of wonders, people, clearly aimed at those who do not have easy access to shops, or the internet.

I try hard not to marvel at who on earth would buy this stuff, because it’s people like my mother, who tried to suggest that a one and a half foot tall Thomas Kinkade style ceramic Christmas scene complete with music and moving woodland train at a cost of ONE HUNDRED AND NINETEEN POUNDS would be the perfect Christmas present for her 11 year old grandson. ‘Where would we put it?’ was my stunned response. I was quite proud of myself for not fainting. She means well. (The scary thought is that, whatever my response, she may well go ahead and buy it anyway).

Back to the magazine full of SUPABARGAINS! Are you ready, folks? I thought you’d like to see what you seriously cannot live without!

‘Gumrunner’ snow boot/trainers at Now Only £14.99! I could be wrong, but it looks like a helicopter to me.

Snap shot belt? I’m kind of hoping they mean snap-shut – or is this some kind of hidden personal safety device, firing bullets from the trouser? But wait, there’s more. You can buy a Thermal Fleecy Pet Cave!

Just the thing for winter. I was almost tempted, until I realised that the picture of the beagle looked like it might just have been photoshopped into the Pet Cave. I mean, I call me fussy, but if I’m going to spend TWELVE POUNDS FORTY NINE PENCE on a ‘snug cavernous bed’ I’d like to feel reasonably confident that it’s something my pet might enjoy. If they can’t get an animal to sit still in it long enough to be photographed, I start to feel a little concerned.

(It reminds me of those pictures of above-ground swimming pools you see with laughing people shrunk to the size of munchkins to make the pool look bigger. Five adults and three children in a 10ft pool! All of the shadows defying the laws of nature and pointing in different directions. I’m not at all peturbed by such sorcery.)

Which brings me on to the subject of fashion. Now I’m not claiming to be up to date, but someone please tell me ON WHAT PLANET are these beauts considered ‘deliciously fashionable’…?

Okay. By this stage in the catalogue I was on the verge of losing it. This didn’t help.

But don’t worry, my darlings. I have saved the absolute best till last. This one made me actually dribble helplessly onto the tablecloth. Are you ready? No, seriously, ARE YOU READY?

Okay then.

Read it. Read it, people.

Men’s hankies fleetingly went out of fashion! Who knew? But don’t worry, they are back… with a BANG!

And in case you can’t cope with that, let me reassure you that they ARE THE PERFECT SIZE FOR A MAN’S NOSE.

…nearly sixteen inches square!

OMG *weeps*

A perfect set for the nose on the face of the man in your life.

He’ll love you for it…. honest.

I’m going to go and have a lie down.

In all seriousness though, I don’t like poking fun at things and it isn’t the things themselves that are amusing but rather the cunning marketing that makes them funny. All of these wonderful items and many more fabulous treasures can be found at http://www.brightlife.co/. That’s not a typo. There isn’t a ‘uk’ on the end.